I spent a lot of time thinking about my grandmother today. I saw her yesterday at my cousin Elizabeth's wedding shower. She's not well...not at all. Just standing up was so painful for her that she cried. It breaks my heart to see her in this frail state, for she was such a strong and independent woman her entire life.
Time and aging is the cruelest joke ever played upon us. I hate it. I hate the days turning into years and slipping through my fingers. I hate the fact that I feel this constant motion beneath me, yet I am unable (or unwilling) to keep up with it. I hate the fact that I was never given a rule book to follow telling me point blank: this is how to be a grown up; this is all you get; this is the big joke.
So here's the rule book for all of you who have yet to figure it out:
1. Your first 22 years are spent preparing for an amazing life that will never materialize.
2. You are completely alone and with every day that passes you are older and lonelier.
3. You realize that you will never be the person you always banked on becoming because you have failed as a human being.
4. You wake up one day and you're 84 years old and standing up makes you cry. However, your grand-daughter's not there to help you because you ran away from every relationship that presented itself in your younger years and you never had your own family.
As you may have noticed, I am a bit down tonight. I hate my life. I hate it. I am so desperately sad and empty. I feel like I am the only person I know who wasn't invited to the party.
Maybe tomorrow will be better. Or, it could be worse.
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2 comments:
So I think I need one of these so I can vent my emotions much in the same way you are able to. I am currently shoving cold pasta down my throat wondering how I could be so sad and pathetic. I am also wishing I was much cooler, and therefore much more likeable, and wondering why I still care about such things at my age.
I love you. Let's be sad and lonely together.
Jenni.... I felt the same way when I saw Nan. So frail, so not the woman I'm used to seeing. It broke my heart watching her try to walk when she was leaving... but here's the thing... I don't think there's any kind of restriction on the "other person" you need to love to see the face of God. I love you, and I have ever since I can remember.
I know at times you need more than the love of your family and friends, I understand that feeling completely, but thank God that we have that.
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