There's a character in the movie FAME called Montgomery McNeil. Montgomery confronts a lot of internal demons in the film and is a pretty introspective person. He speaks a line of dialog that I've always thought pertained very well to my own life: "Never being happy isn't the same as being unhappy. Is it?"
I cannot remember a time in recent (and not so recent) memory that I was actually happy. I have great days when I laugh and smile and have fun -- but it's fleeting. I'm talking about real happiness; true contentment with my life.
So why is this the case? Why have I spent my life with a certain empty spot inside that I try to mask with business? Was the oxygen cut to my brain during a portion of the birthing process? (Don't laugh, for I have actually asked my mother this very question.)
Besides the possibility of simply having clinical depression, I think it may be due to the fact that I cannot deal with the fact that I wanted so much out of life and have become what can only be categorized as a mediocre adult. On the surface my life seems quite nice. I am college educated, have a great family that I am very close to, have the best of friends, a decent job, and so on. But beneath the surface is a person whose dreams are dying a slow death.
I could have been a great many things and instead I chose a life of quiet desperation. I think it's time to change that, if I can find the courage to do so.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
2 comments:
There is no reason in the world that you can't still be that person. Happiness by any means necessary I say.
Boy, weird timing. I was going to blog about this subject this week. Jen, your life seems very nice to me. That said, I was once told the same thing, and couldn't see it. I have struggled with depression my whole life, and have only recently been able to see the beauty in everything. I spent years wishing I was Katie Couric. I would watch "Today" and wonder why I couldn't have her success. For a long time I regretted having chldren as my life was not my own anymore. Long story short, I went to counseling for years. It didn't help. The thing that finally helped me was Zoloft. Two years ago I had a breakdown and my family staged an intervention. I used to worry constantly and wait for the good times to start. Now, I'm so happy. I'm not sure this is what you need, but if you're not finding joy in anything, go talk to someone about it. I can't believe I waited so long to reclaim my life. Once you can get your head above water, you'll have the energy to make the changes to make your life what you want.
Post a Comment