Love, life and happiness

For the past few years I have been feeling rather empty regarding certain aspects of my life. I couldn't quite grasp the reason why other people's lives seemed to moving forward while mine remained in the same gear. The career? Stagnant. The love life? Nonexistent for quite a few years there, but on the mend now. But none of these things have ever come together at the same time. Why? It's not like I ever asked for a lot, you know? Is it too much to want a fulfilling job that pays the bills with a bit left over for fun? Is it too much to be with a man who loves you? And loves you, not despite of your faults, but in spite of them? Is is too much to be able to have a little something special to call your own? Maybe.

A couple of days ago I was searching blog sites for ideas to "redecorate" my blog. I came across a design I liked and so I stopped to read the site a bit. The first entry was complete with a picture of the most beautiful family I have ever seen. A mommy, a daddy and their four children. This family is the kind of family, and forgive me for being so fucking honest, that I am just so jealous of. Jealous that I don't have my own little family like it. There. I said it. Judge me if you must.

And then I read the entry that accompanied the picture. And I was ashamed of my moment of jealousy.

The family is a friend of the blogger whose site I was on. They are the Nielsons of Mesa, Arizona. Stephanie and Christian Nielson, to be precise. And on August 16, 2008, Stephanie and Christian were flying in a private plane over Arizona with Christian's flight instructor. The plane crashed and burst into flames. The flight instructor died. Christian is in critical condition with third degree burns over 30% of his body. Stephanie is also in critical condition with third degree burns over 80% of her body.

I clicked on a link to a site designed to promote awareness of the incident and raise money for the families recovery process. Then I found Stephanie's blog which is currently being updated by family members.

I was captivated by this woman. Although I have major ideological differences than she, Stephanie is a Mormon and I believe a Republican, I remain in awe of her love of her husband and children. She is an amazing mommy and human being who loves her life. It is evident in her words and the pictures she decorates her site with.

Needless-to-say, I have quietly been reevaluating the current state of my life. And while I believe there is much more I am meant to do and be, I am trying to find happiness with where I am right this minute instead of always being upset with where I am not. That's not to say I don't want a family picture of my own one day...it's just that I am trying to make peace with the fact that I haven't posed for one and framed it yet.