Once, several decades ago, I slipped out of my bed and wandered into the doorway of my parents bedroom. They lay in bed watching TV, as I stood, wide-eyed, staring in their direction.
"Hello," I said, then turned around, walked back into my bedroom and climbed back into my bed.
And so was my first recorded episode of sleepwalking.
I wonder where the mind is during this moment where sleep and consciousness meet, yet neither takes over the body. What forces allowed me to safely walk into my parents bedroom, rather than out the front door or toppling down the 13 stairs into the living room?
Just yesterday I saw some photographs of myself that I haven't seen in almost 20 years. At first I laughed at the goofy expressions my friends and I were making, but then I looked closely at my face, my smile, my eyes.
I could see the anticipation of an unknown future in my eyes. I could recall the deep love I felt for one of my dearest friends that I tried so hard to overcome. I felt the flutter of excitement that used to overwhelm me when our group of friends got together to hang out, dance or party.
How I lived! How I felt every pleasure and pain so deeply in those younger years!
The only reminder I had today that I was alive was the steam burn I suffered cooking dinner.
Somewhere, between the smiling 18-year-old girl in the photograph and the 39-year-old woman with a steam burn, I fell asleep. And in that stupor I walked through the motions, unaware of what path I was taking or where I'd end up.
I'm not where I was meant to be. If I'd only had the courage to keep living my life, instead of becoming merely a passenger.
"I should have told him I loved him. I should have written novels. I should have done so much more," I thought, climbing into bed last night.
And it was then, as I prepared for sleep, that I decided it was time to wake up.
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I'm Worth Knowing
These are a few of my favorite things...
- Peppermint Patties
- Red Lipstick
3 comments:
Beautiful post. There is nothing you can't do at 39.
Go in the direction of your dreams, girl. You can do it. Hell, you wrote that eloquent post! What else is in there?
Liz Anne & Toni are absolutely right, Jenn!!!...Right now, I have no hair, no money and no immediate back-up plan, but I'm much happier now that at least I'm on the right trajectory towards making a career out of something I love. We ALL feel overwhelmed by that crippling sense of floundering, but that's just part of the adventure. Just keep writing and expressing yourself creatively; that in itself is validating and self-empowering. Thank you as always for sharing.
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